How has your week been?
An innocent question. A common question. A friendly question from a friend today. "Well, I've been busy" is my usual answer, and it still is but with a twist. A deep twist from the list of activities that aren't usual or common. I've been grieving and crying and sobbing and missing my love. I've been wishing things were smoother, lighter not rough and heavy. I wore a Life is Good shirt with a Peace Snowman on it. Festive. Cute. Season appropriate. Peace. Peace on Earth. I believe it is peaceful where Bonnie is now -
otherwise she'd come back to help me alleviate some sorrow, sadness, hurt, some of this ANGUISH.
I came upon this word, "anguish", while listening to Anne Lamott's book on Hope. Definition: Anguish from Middle English: via Old French from Latin angustia ‘tightness’, (plural) ‘straits, distress’, from angustus ‘narrow’. As a noun, severe mental or physical pain or suffering. As a verb to be extremely distressed about something. My research also indicated that I would get 11 Scrabble points for "anguish"!
Even on a triple space I wouldn't get enough points to account for the depth of my anguishing (verb) anguish (noun). Roget says synonyms are heartbreak, smarting, tribulation, with comfort, peace, alleviation as antonyms on the other side. Peace.
It wasn't peaceful when I couldn't go into Costco alone this week. It was distressing. It wasn't peaceful when walking into a friend’s house where Bonnie and I had been dozens of times. It was excruciating. It was peaceful to have a friend accompany me to Costco. She was happy to join me and then we had sushi! It was peaceful to have friends welcome me with kid gloves holding me lightly. It was peaceful to play pickleball because this is primarily something I did without Bonnie. It was peaceful to go to a new place for a spicy samosa, hot chai and play a board game - new being key.
New is easier than old. New brings on feelings of sadness that I'm experiencing things Bonnie hasn't and won't. Going to watch the RAV Chorus carol in Ashland was peaceful, cold but nice. Is grief changing? Is this a tiny step forward? Maybe.
The steps I take each hour, each day, now 19 days of them, are challenging. The care, love and tenderness that surround me do help alleviate my layers of anguish. These many steps are bringing me a sense of peace.
Other activities this week: receiving Bonnie's cremated remains, I wasn't alone. Choosing hymns for Bonnie's memorial service, I wasn't alone. Celebrating the "illumination of Richmond" with the turning on of the downtown lights was freezing cold on a rooftop building. I wasn't alone nor were we up there long! Test driving a new car because now I only need one car. I wasn't alone.
Sometimes I am alone. Sometimes that's welcome. Sometimes I schedule too much and have to cancel. Sometimes I don't schedule enough and reach out for some impromptu chat and coffee!
Peace and anguish is what I did this week. How was your week?
Mickie Chapman (pictured right) is the clerk of our session. She was married to session member Bonnie Neighbour (left) who passed away on November 18. This reflection is a slightly edited Facebook post Bonnie wrote over the weekend and gave us permission to publish here. Her self-care will continue across the holidays as she visits family in England.